you know, maybe not. i feel like i don't stand up for myself here enough. I think I often feel so repsonsible for some people's well being that the guilt overtakes what i allow as my natural reaction. I put double time into situations where i am getting half time, and when i finally realize and stop being blind to this, i become aware of how uhealthy it is. i was watching this b-movie in ratner the other day, and a line that caught me was that the man was saying that they loved each too much, that their love was so beyond any other that regardless of how their relationship was, love was always relied upon to plow through everything. And clearly, that cannot happen. love is only an emotion - not the secret and key to happiness in life, in fact, i would say love is much more the curse on happiness and leading a normal life. But i do not say this cynically as many people do, because i am aware of this and it does not make me stray away from wanting to find love, it is simply an awareness that i have. i have not given up on love and i do not look down upon or hate love, i simply know the power of love and that love is not all that is needed to give way to true happiness in life, but actually so much more is needed.
love for one person has put me in a position where i feel like i cannot be honest with myself about my love for any other person. i feel so trapped these days. it is like i am constantly trying to convince myself of what i should and should not be feeling about certain people. it gets to be just too much, especially lately. I just have felt so confused and overwhlemed by this emotion so much lately. it is a crazily strong emotion, an i feel like i am so cursed to feel it in the manner that i do, but i really should feel lucky, as some people go there whole lives without ever truly understanding what this concept of "love" really is.
as far as love being a curse, i do feel that way often, regardless of if i know i should not. the guilt from situations in my life makes me put so much of myself out and vulnerable and yet i receive so little back. and i tell myself it is deserved, yet when i have those moments when i realize that it is not, i get so angry! it is awful to relaize that you are trying so hard when what you are putting so much effort into is not recipricating anything... and then you make up selfish reasons, perhaps true, but still conjured up due to selfishness, such as the feelings and display of feelings not being reciprocated as a form of revenge and shield to protect against vulnerability, when you yourself ae already making your self so vulnerable and open.
oh i dont know, i am not making any sense. basically i just feel like love is a wonderful thing but does not necessarily make two people meant for each other. and i also feel like the heart should be able to be better controlled by ones mind, as sometimes it just gets out of control.
i also wish some people were not blind to some aspects of me and to my inetntions and feelings.
what the hell am i talking about????? this is why i said in my previous blog that i should not write anymore and just post, but here i am being an idiot and spilling my guts. but i dunno, confusion has just overswet me this week, especially with how strongly i felt against some people's opnions and wishes of whom i have always loved so dearly. it just doesnt make any sense sometimes. life, that is. love, that is. emotion, that is. feeling, that is.