I am an idiot (clearly)

So I was thinking, and you know how you are supposed to learn from your experience, mistakes, past, etc? Well, clearly I am a total moron then. As if I had learned anything from how much my life changed for the better when I completely deleted one person out of it, in every way possible, then don't you think I would have learned that I should put that solution into action in any future situation of a very similar kind, as opposed to making another year of my life screwed up? Well I have not learned this. And it wasn't until I was shaking uncontrollably in the reynolds club that I even realized that it was the same situation... I am really begining to wish we had pursued the topic of how I get so invested in things like she had wanted to. And now that I have realized the similarity... I am so torn with what I am to do. I just know how much it took out of me in august to do this the first time around in my life, and I do not even know if I have that strength again. not to mention that I have to take note of the differences as well... the differenc in people, and the difference in personality, and the difference in positive and negative memoreis and feelings associated with each. but regardless of how much i can look back and smile on memories, etc. what it is doing to me right now, which is basically tearing my mind and body apart, is perhaps all that shoudl be important, because that certinaly is no differet for either. so where does that leave me? just as confused as i began this. damn it. i just don't know how i can go on with good conscience that i am not basically inducing pain on my own body, as i know that there is a solution supposedly... but what if that was not what was meant to happen? what if i really am supposed to let things continue on and take their on course, and taking such serious/permanent action on my part would be against the big plan for me?

oh i shall ponder for awhile.