i guess this is the joy of being only 19... i have my whole life ahead of me, or something like that...

i have done nothing all day. like, i could not even count my time at mock as doing something, seeings how i was either napping or talking for about 90% of the time i was there. i wen to apo, that was pretty pointless. then i went to bj and took suman and liz home. we had house council, and i was really bitchy to everyone, including john. and then teh house meeting where negin and i ingested vast quantities of thickly coated chocolate strawberries. and here i sit. i talked to andrew when i got home, and i tried to make sense of what i was feeling, and i may have gotten somewhere, but i am still not all here. i am so confused and bewildered by the emotions that have run trhough to me. i did not handle today at all how i thought i would, in fact, i handled it much better, but i don't understand even why i did not think i would handle it well. like, i don't understand this, and by this i mean how i feel. or don't feel for that matter.
what i am really upset about is how much hatred this is giving me toward soemone else, and it is because i feel like by increasing my hatred i am indirectly blaming him. and i dont think i have the right to blame anyone for how i conduct myself. but in two crucial ways, had it not been for him in past, i would be an entirely differently person, as in a better person. however, all my decisions are my own, i was never forced into any decisions i made in the last year of my life, and as for the scarring that occured prior to that it takes two to tango as my mother would say. so while i would like to lay my issues when it comes to having a normal relationship on my past and the people in it, i cannot. instead i must learn, and while it is terrible what i have had to put others as well as myslef through to learn these things, i suppose everyone has to learn sometime... some people just learn harder lessons than others. and sometimes it costs you a lot. sometimes it costs you one of the best things you have ever had in your life.