i really miss...

my family is making me want to crawl into a hole and never come out again. i got so upset with my mother that amidst the yelling and crying I told her i couldn't handle it and hung up. Well, first she told me fine, go ahead. So then i just sat in my room by myself and wished for someone to talk to and hug me. Then she called back, and the same thing happened, except for longer and we got off the phone in a civil manner. At this point i got warm clothes on and headed out for a walk... i ended up walking down 53rd, not hard to guess why. but i ended up just going down to woodlawn and back down 55th. it would have been pointless anyway. it would clearly only have hurt me more. then on my way home i got a phone call from just the person i was hoping, and that helped a lot. and then i came back and watched the rest of the game with my house, and that always makes me feel better as well. i have never felt so in need of just having someone to hug me and tell me that everything will be ok. but that coming from people who aren't meaningful to you just does not have the same effect. i could have used the arboretum tonight. hell, i could have used anything tonight. up to, and including a tall building. i know, shut up me. this situation is just so out of hand and ridiculous. it makes me want to just move away from everyone and everything and dissapear.
i might have been productive at mock tonight. also, i got erica to start using "clearly" in her role, and it cracks me up. that was a good part of my night. i do so enjoy my team. although suman was not there, but she called during the meeting, so i guess she was sort of there.
i am too flustered and just plain upset to think anymore.