lions and tigers and bears

OH MY!
i actually didnt intend for that to be in caps but then i must have hit caps lock so i just ran with it.

i am tired. i have been up before 10 am for three days in a row now, and still have not gone to bed before 4am but for thursday night. this means, after my week of 9 to 10 hours of sleep a day, i am feeling very sleep deprived. plus i am bored as death himself. actually, i would imagine death has a good time in life. meh. bored as a fish in a fishbowl in a blue secluded room. there.

what an odd weekend. i am really happy with the state of my mental health i discovered, which i was not entirely confident in, at all. but last night tested it and i kicked its ass. in fact, i don't really think i would change anything about last night. if only i had been given sanity a year ago... well actually, that would have me in an entirely different and perhaps even more insane situation right now, so learning all that i have the hard and excrucuatingly painful and slow way was definitely for the better. i just can't get over how happy i was when i got home last night, and happy because i knew exactly where i stood menatlly and emotionally, not because of anything that did or did not take place. i am now totally confident in my detachment from all the mess that kalamazoo has meant to me for the last year, and longer. i had begun to wonder if what i perceived as my own strength and healthy mindedness was only because of a lack of having to face what has always accentuated my weaknesses and insanity, as well as the overshadowing of it (and distraction from it) by other new home associated situations. but basically, i rock, jean l. rocks, and i have never felt more at peace concerning this situation since freshman year of high school. damn this is fabulous. perhaps this shoudlnt make me so happy - being devoid of basically all emotion towards a human being - but i am. one more to go and i am on my way to having a chance at a normal and sane life and relationship one day.

oh dear. i have doen nothing all day. i wrapped a lot presents, and discovere di spent way too much on christmas as usual. oh teh joys of shopping therapy.

i am done now.