i can't get no

SATISFACTION!
sometimes i feel like i should not blog for sake of simply denying access to my brain to those who do not care enough to actually seek our interaction with me. But then i recall that i do not blog for others. but then i also recall that that is not what the previous statement implies, it simply implies that by blogging, regardless of if i do it for my own therepeutic value, it is sometimes more worthwhile to not for the sake of teh satisfication of denying access. its like turning someone down for sex.
so now i feel like i shouldnt have just said that, as it does not paint a favorable picture of me on so many levels. but i was simply getting a point across, and that is all.
anyway, so about how i ate garlic and have been on teh verge of death all night. yeah, training sucked hardcore for that reason alone, otherwise it was super fun. some of the most wonderful people work at telefund, maybe because you have to be personable to be hired. and that is a rare skill on this campus. especially with many i am surrounded by. they are also very good looking, especially my supervisors. it is a good situation all around. my first real shift is sunday. i am superpumped. like really. i think i will excel. i hope.
i am done tooting my horn.
i was going to run against john for president. but then he was really afraid he would lose, and that then he would hate me for that, so we decided to run together. i dont really think we have much to worry about as long as we are together. it would have been like battle of the o-aides though, and that would have been fun. i would have regretted not hooking up with first years though, as those would have been easily secured votes. lucky for me, their votes are in the bag regardless now. we will make good co-presidents i feel. plus this will satisfy liz and her incessant nagging for me to run for president.
i only have three post-its on my desk right now, that is an all time low since the begining of o-week. at one point i had 11. it was kind of out of hand i guess. i forgot i have to be up super early, i should go to bed. but my rather tipsy brother may call and want a ride from teh red line station, so that would be annoying to be in bed and have to get up and do.
oh i love sirens. i do not know how i slept all summer without my sirens. oh joy. more sirens. i love crime and fires.
the guy i sat with tonight for training went to high school with Sam, my first year, i forgot to ask him tonight if he knew him. I will have to do that.
i hope andrew is listened to when it comes to team designing... at least somewhat. but i suppose that is doubtful when they dont listen to him on anything else it seems.
argh. i was not lying earlier tonight when i said if it were not for about four people i would be hitting the road. but there is hope in the new first years and on up, there is indeed hope. i hope. right? indeed.
oh biology. i must go to bed for you. you are so demanding. all you ever want me to do is go to bed!!! argh.

don't expect the world to fix your problems...

the world around you cannot improve your life nor cannot solve your problems. nothing anyone else says or does is going to make anything truly better no matter how hard they try, even if it seems like it does temporarily. i am not sure why this is such a cloudy concept sometimes. but i do know that those who love and surround you can only say or do so much, and no matter how much that may be, you cannot expect any more or less out of them, as it is not their job nor could it be their job - even if they wished it to be - to make your life happy and better. and above all, clearly no one can aid you in happiness seeking when you don't even have the desire or ambition to be so.
sometimes you just realize these things, or sometimes i just think about it a lot. and today i have been thinking about it. we were kind of discussing it in sosc, well, moreso in the readings rather than in class today. clearly on a much different subject matter (anorexia), but i would prefer not to rack my brain with that topic 24/7. so i translate. i wish i could have my sosc class in italian, not like i wish they offered that, but like, i wish i would actually be capable of doing it. haha.
i do not have a woodpecker outside my window. i have a man with a jackhammer, hammer, pick, and otehr onoxious tools, and i fear it has to be worse than a woodpecker, as men as opposed to birds throws in the "i can see you in there!" factor.
also, i met a guy last night named chris who is taking a year off to play professional poker in vegas. and he was telling me all the people he played with last weekend, including phil ivey. it was very exciting. and he was wearing a pink shirt, that was what got me started talking to him in the first place, as clearly i enjoyed his pink shirt. he is "poker chris," then there is "male chris" and i cannot remeber the third chris's prefix. "male chris" is one of the two guys in my art class i was discussing yesterday. i think they should put a limit on how many chris's can join one specfied group of individuals.
speaking of the name chris... no i am kidding, i do not do that type of blogging. i would like to give an explanation for the away message last night, as a small uproar it did indeed create, however, there really is not explanation, and it was truly exactly as it seemed. sorry dissapoint anyone, but it was not out of some humorous joke-like context. sadly.
also, i really needed a water bottle at ratner when i was working out today, but i forgot one, so this guy left his and once he was gone for about 10 minutes i got off my machine and stole it and filled up with new water. i know that is creepy, but i really needed it. however, people were definitely talking about me. of this i am sure. but it was fun to catch people giving me funny looks for the rest of the work out whenever i drank from it. i mean, i am sure that they have all dranked out of much more germ infested cups, bottles, and shot glasses while at parties, so shame shame on them all.
well, i think my pants smell, as they may be the ones i wore last night, i think i am going to go change them now.
that is all.

a refusal

i refuse to delete any posts i ever make. it has always been a rule, no matter how much i would wish to at times. keep this in mind always.
also... no bakes are SO GOOD!

you know, maybe not. i feel like i don't stand up for myself here enough. I think I often feel so repsonsible for some people's well being that the guilt overtakes what i allow as my natural reaction. I put double time into situations where i am getting half time, and when i finally realize and stop being blind to this, i become aware of how uhealthy it is. i was watching this b-movie in ratner the other day, and a line that caught me was that the man was saying that they loved each too much, that their love was so beyond any other that regardless of how their relationship was, love was always relied upon to plow through everything. And clearly, that cannot happen. love is only an emotion - not the secret and key to happiness in life, in fact, i would say love is much more the curse on happiness and leading a normal life. But i do not say this cynically as many people do, because i am aware of this and it does not make me stray away from wanting to find love, it is simply an awareness that i have. i have not given up on love and i do not look down upon or hate love, i simply know the power of love and that love is not all that is needed to give way to true happiness in life, but actually so much more is needed.
love for one person has put me in a position where i feel like i cannot be honest with myself about my love for any other person. i feel so trapped these days. it is like i am constantly trying to convince myself of what i should and should not be feeling about certain people. it gets to be just too much, especially lately. I just have felt so confused and overwhlemed by this emotion so much lately. it is a crazily strong emotion, an i feel like i am so cursed to feel it in the manner that i do, but i really should feel lucky, as some people go there whole lives without ever truly understanding what this concept of "love" really is.
as far as love being a curse, i do feel that way often, regardless of if i know i should not. the guilt from situations in my life makes me put so much of myself out and vulnerable and yet i receive so little back. and i tell myself it is deserved, yet when i have those moments when i realize that it is not, i get so angry! it is awful to relaize that you are trying so hard when what you are putting so much effort into is not recipricating anything... and then you make up selfish reasons, perhaps true, but still conjured up due to selfishness, such as the feelings and display of feelings not being reciprocated as a form of revenge and shield to protect against vulnerability, when you yourself ae already making your self so vulnerable and open.
oh i dont know, i am not making any sense. basically i just feel like love is a wonderful thing but does not necessarily make two people meant for each other. and i also feel like the heart should be able to be better controlled by ones mind, as sometimes it just gets out of control.
i also wish some people were not blind to some aspects of me and to my inetntions and feelings.
what the hell am i talking about????? this is why i said in my previous blog that i should not write anymore and just post, but here i am being an idiot and spilling my guts. but i dunno, confusion has just overswet me this week, especially with how strongly i felt against some people's opnions and wishes of whom i have always loved so dearly. it just doesnt make any sense sometimes. life, that is. love, that is. emotion, that is. feeling, that is.

sometimes you make no bake cookies and eat half of them. but you dont mind because they were damn good. they were fun to make as well. i would make them every night if i could. i would like to make no bake pudding, but it would be a hard pudding, and it would just be like spooning out no bakes. i love scraping the no bake saucepan. it would be just liek that excpet on a much better and larger scale. mmmmm. i am so ingenius.
so cova was great today. i have two alpha delts in my class, and i find that really funny. one i met this saturday at psi u, jon introduced me to him, and i totally made a bunch of inapporopiate comments to, and the otehr one i met last wednesday and i tolf him he was gay for some reason or another. but it wa all in good humor. and now i am glad they are in there, it will be very entertaining. i know everyone is so prejudiced against alpha delts but i will never be, they are the only normal kids on the whole damn campus as far as i am concerned. it kind of feels a lot more like home when i am there. i mean, clearly some alpha delts i do not appreciate, but for teh most part they are just so misunderstood at this school.
speaking of this school, i think my new job and i are going to get along so well. it will be really cool getting to talk to so many alumni, as well as all teh stuff i am learning about the college, it intrigues me greatly. i hope i make lots of money for us. i think i will do well. i hope so anyway. but i already said that.
its fun to know how much the world revolves around you sometimes. ego trips are enjoyable, even if they are not positively induced.
i had to tour crear today. it was not fun, until andrew showed up, in which it made it very tolerable, excpet for the fact that we were in the library, clearly. also, josh m was there, but i did not talk to him much for very clear reasons. well, not clear to anyone else, but to me. but it is always goo dto spend time with andrew, of course, even if it is in crear.
so dr leahy and i had some very interesting discussions. i have some very fun games i get to play this week.
so suman and i are going to have a fun day of making 1st years not feel scared of trying out for mock. and i mean, there is only so much you can do to prepare a person for walking into a room to face the faces that they are going to have to face... i mean, gs people. something just cant be helped. but hey, we can make part of the experience enjoyable.
so i forgot to post this wehen i first wrote it around 11 pm, it is now 2 am and i feel my best option is to post and not write anymore. however, i woul like to give a shoutout for those who choose to update me with away messages that i would have not seen otherwise. it is good to stay informed. sosc time.
no seriously, i am going to read for sosc now. hahaha, this shoudl be fun.

so many chocolate chip cookies

so i made chocolate chip cookies yesterday in order to not eat all the chips plain and make myself fat. i figured if i made cookies i could at least give the fat away. so there are like one quarter of the cookies left. i have not given any away. so yeah. remind me not to do that next time.
wow. there are really weird sites on the internet. also, i threw out all of my chocolat chip cookies. i couldnt stand the willpower it was taking, or lack thereof.
i love my classes so freakin much.
i have lots of work to do though.
i better get to that.
off to ratner and maybe some reg or hutch. fun fun!

i feel sick to my tummy

so i have been so very unproductive. well, i guess it depends on what you consider productive. socially, yes, i was productive. physically, yes, i was productive. domestically, yes, i was productive. academically, no, i was not productive. but oh well. it is just first week.
i really had good intentions of catching up on my blog. however, i think i am going to puke my brains out if i dont lay down. so, well, i suppose i shoudl do that. bio here i come.

so i have given up on my brother's domain

so much more reliable. no more not working blog. a good thing? i doubt it. my blog is a dangerous tool, and creepy as well i have found. i will have more to say later, i should procrastinate in another manner for a few minutes.