sorry mom, but sometimes f-bombs really are necessary.

while i will be up for the next five hours and will probably share several far from profound revelations... for now, all i can do is mimic the question of what the fuck just happened?

this is why i avoided this shit in high school.

i have not been this angry in a very long time. if ever.

also

i forgot to mention how much i appreciate everyone who cared about/for me last night. oober-indeed.

happy halloween!

what a long night. time crawls when you do nothing.

best reason to go to the emergency room all by yourself?
you get the hott doctor all to yourself. sometimes even two of them.
(and on a more pathetic note, he may have been the highlight of my evening)
also, between maddy being like half-dead and dying and my recently acquired situation, room 1210 is the most pathetic room on earth.

also, as usual, a huge thanks to my dearest negin, although my own self constraint should be admired as well. and also, john and ben, who rocked my world friday night, and also anybody i may have shed tears on at a party on the porch that was duct taped.

also, fighting with walgreen's pharmacists can be quite joyous.

Ray, which i think i saw... today? yeah, today. it was GREAT. i loved it. and then we went and had awesome din din (we being ben, john, sam, and isabelle).

also, if i didn't love my team so much i would be quitting mock, like, tomorrow. but i do not think i could do it without regret and sadness, and i would also feel like i was letting this all get the best of me. and while it clearly has, i can't possibly just give up all together. that's like forfeiting. and i really do love it.... it is just destroying my mental health. also, do not trust danny. i love him dearly, but i will never listen to him again.

i talked to lindsey tonight :)

"oh yeah, i forget you make out with girls"
nope, i am giving no background to the statement.

also, my life is crazy. i could not even begin to explain all the branches/people in my life right now and how they got there. i think my goal for this week is to hermit myself away in the reg during all free time, and maybe get some of my life affairs/affairs in order.

[insert drunken/stoned visit from ben and john here]

so yeah, reg, "work," it is all going to happen this week. hiding from my life. sounds like a plan.

and on one last side note, while i may have been completely inebriated, at least i wasn't an asshole.

and also, it is really late. (even w/ the clock change) and also i didn't get to talk to andrew very much tonight, and that made me sad.

[insert less than random and clearly predictable second visit from ben here]

this blog has spanned an extensive quantity of time. gd.

so go on, if this will make you happier...

i should be studying for bio!!!!!
i was studying for bio in the lounge. well, i thought i was, and then negin came and woke me up. thank you negin. i have not studied. i have my midterm tomorrow. does it really matter? nope.
mock was great tonight. poor erica is freakin out about our bio midterm though, you shoulda have heard her attempt to do our direct. meh. we all aborted the mission at 8 so that we could be first in line for the SASA study break at 8:30 in hutch. we did well. mmmmm. yummmy. we have a socially-ept team. haha. the others do not. kidding. well, sort of.
so the marilyn m. costume is on its way. i am indeed blonde. i promised my mommy i would take pictures since clearly it will be getting dyed back as soon as possible. it is kind of interesting looking so different. i hate it, but its kind of a nice spice to life. i don't understand why everybody feels teh need to tell me how much they love it... i look so fake, i think it is awful. but you know, some people wouldn't know a fake boob from a real one.
also, as far as dudley house goes, i am sorry guys, i am such a gd hypocrite.
also, maddy is definitely delusional, and it was really funny. except for how i thought she was dying. but she is ok, just swollen glands and hallucinations. do not fear.
do what you have to.

can i have the chocolate donuts?

hindsight is indeed 20/20, but sometimes we all just go a little mental. But we are psychiatrists, not psychics, and sometimes you have to ask yourself, can i have the chocolate donuts?

goat-check time

I must have some morsel of goodness in me if people are forever mistaking me for amazing...

Isn't anyone else getting a bit worried about the game tomorrow? Hmmmm. It will definitely be a bring-the-laptop-to-work-day. I HATE working on Wednesdays. gd mock trial.

so I wish people would not make life complicated for me. sometimes I just wish someone would teach me how to be the must repulsive bitchy person on the planet. I mean, I suppose I know someone who pretty much thinks that much of right now, maybe I should just have him highlight those qualities in me so that I can better accentuate them to others, or perhaps just make a sign and wear it on my forehead... "I am dangerous, I am screwed up, and you will be too..."
I mean, considering my current situation that has unfolded so rapidly over the course of this last week or so, like, what the hell is up with me? what the hell makes me, boring-bitchy-bland-blimpy-ashley-marie-boven so fucking amazing? or intriguing? or remotly interesting at all?? maybe I will become a stink-bug.
that would be the life.

also, i think it is an all-nighter tonight. which means work will suck tomorrow. argh.

check your goat and check it often.

thanks

"so are you and chris doing okay still, like are you still seeing each other and talking?"
"have you been living under a rock for the last four weeks, mom?"

...i suppose it is better than the less than informed mock people who have been living under rocks for four months now...

oh hum diddly dum. today was a good day. i did not go to polisci, as per my monday tradition. cova was lots of fun painting, and bio lab was excruciatingly early as always. i lounged around and then went for a run this afternoon. i have officially decided that i do not care how repulsively fat i get, just as long as i can still get up and go run 4 miles whenever i please. also, i also realized that running is sometimes just a big ego thing for me. it is like, how about i keep running longer just because i am capable? that is what i say to myself whenever i go as far as i was originally planning to go. it is like, what willl another mile really hurt? but i do not do it becuase i care about the calories or muscle gained, but purely just for the satisfaction that i can. i mean, and the fact that i totally love doing it, and it makes me the most level headed and calm as i can usually get in one day. today was no exception. except some songs were making me kind of emotional today, and so i would like sprint to those songs, and then that would make me really tired when i realized i was doing it, so it wa sliek sprint, jog, sprint, jog, and that gets to be hard on me. anyhow, i came home and showered. and then i put fancy clothes on for work. just for the hell of it. but it was worth it. oh it was. and then we got out of work an hour early!!!!!!! it was amazing, cause of course we will still get paid, as it wanst our fault we ran out of calling poools. so then i came home. and then negin was having a mock freak out (something all too familiar) and so i went over and talked and procrastinated with her. luckily by the time i had gotten there she had talked with mr. c. levi and she was doing much better, as she is having her responsibilty taken away as an attorney. so she is becoming a me. and my life is nice and easy. so she will be happy. however, sucks for someone on her team who is going to have to take her stuff over. but oh well. they will live. i am so very happy she does not feel the need to quit entirely, (although i am considering just that in a serious way... otherwise i just will never be able to let go i feel... and while i think it sucks for me and what i would be giving up just because of someone else, sometimes mental health and happiness is more important perhaps...)
also, this whole work an writing e-mail at work is resulting in extremely long emails. candace got a book on friday. andrew got a book tonight. i suppose i will just start a rotation. i mean, i guess when you just babble for four hours of real time clearly it is going to be long. oh me oh my. i met some really awesome new hirees at work tonight, i mean, i know i say that a lot, but like, really reallly awesome. also, one of my favorite parts of tonight was a comment to me in the call history box that said "person i talked to was too drunk to understand me or know whether or not the person lived there." and then there was my girl who went on about hating u of c and john ashcroft and everything the u of c breeds, etc.
oh my goodness, so it is over three hours later right now.oh my. what a night. this could be interesting. "study shots" may be a bad invention. nah. they were good haha.
i cannot reall y type anymore. so goodnight.

dudley house has gone public

http://rescom.uchicago.edu/dudley-house

thanks kara!

I HATE ALAN KEYES.

PEAS

i guess this is the joy of being only 19... i have my whole life ahead of me, or something like that...

i have done nothing all day. like, i could not even count my time at mock as doing something, seeings how i was either napping or talking for about 90% of the time i was there. i wen to apo, that was pretty pointless. then i went to bj and took suman and liz home. we had house council, and i was really bitchy to everyone, including john. and then teh house meeting where negin and i ingested vast quantities of thickly coated chocolate strawberries. and here i sit. i talked to andrew when i got home, and i tried to make sense of what i was feeling, and i may have gotten somewhere, but i am still not all here. i am so confused and bewildered by the emotions that have run trhough to me. i did not handle today at all how i thought i would, in fact, i handled it much better, but i don't understand even why i did not think i would handle it well. like, i don't understand this, and by this i mean how i feel. or don't feel for that matter.
what i am really upset about is how much hatred this is giving me toward soemone else, and it is because i feel like by increasing my hatred i am indirectly blaming him. and i dont think i have the right to blame anyone for how i conduct myself. but in two crucial ways, had it not been for him in past, i would be an entirely differently person, as in a better person. however, all my decisions are my own, i was never forced into any decisions i made in the last year of my life, and as for the scarring that occured prior to that it takes two to tango as my mother would say. so while i would like to lay my issues when it comes to having a normal relationship on my past and the people in it, i cannot. instead i must learn, and while it is terrible what i have had to put others as well as myslef through to learn these things, i suppose everyone has to learn sometime... some people just learn harder lessons than others. and sometimes it costs you a lot. sometimes it costs you one of the best things you have ever had in your life.

smile more my dear. just smile.

operation laughing gas

what a quiet day. wow. after a day like yesterday today was staring at a wall all day. no horrible encounters, no crazy work days, no crack built houses, no intoxicated viewing of crack built houses, no... well, stunts that i can't write about on my blog, no runs in the pouring rain through campus, no rides home in police cars, no... none of that either, no emails regretably sent, just nothing at all. some great shopping therapy and baseball watching. could anyone really ask for a more peaceful day? aaahhh.
tomorrow shall not be too stressful. plaintiff is going so i have no role tomorrow, and i still have not figured out this whoel suit thing. it started as a joke on teh first years, but now tim says we all really are doing it, but additionally i don;t even have to go tomorrow. hmmmm. are people really going to wear them? hmmm. i wouldnt. but i may, because i like to wear my suit. hmmm.
i have to be honest, i do not understand how i am feeling so alright after what should have been a disspointing day. perhaps alll my stress for the lastthree weeks was just out of me feeling like i didnt try quite hard enough. but i put all i had left of any kind of pride, dignity, and undamaged heart out on the table. and i guess that is all i can do. and my mind and heart know that. and i am okay. i mean, everything happens for a reason right? that was the premise of my admittance to this college after all... the only person and situation i can control and make happy is myself. while that is not an easy thing to get through my head, it may be starting to. as otherwise how could i feel so good today?? regardless of how good i feel i might start seeing dr leahy again. she will be calling me up in a couple weeks, and mayeb i will go back to some regular sessions. but i dont know how necessary it is... i mean, when someone doesnt exist in your life anymore, and never will again, what is the point of spending time discussing them? just delete them and get on with it i say. ha, yeah, sure, don't ever try and have me convince you of that in person. well, actually, that is not true, i truly did successfully delete joey out of my life, and am 600 times better off for it. but he was such a different situation. such a different person. and not in a good way. at all. not that i wont love the kid forever, but he just killed all chances of me ever being normal when it comes to love and relationships for the rest of my life, or at least for the present, which is when it matters most anyway. like he always told me, first loves die the hardest. bastard. (mind you he sad this not as a mutual thing, but as a sucks for you type of thing... of course adrianna will always take that cake for him...) wow, i dont know why i have spent so much time talking about him, considering i usually go days and days without his name even crossing my mind. meh. anyway.
i guess that's life. no one goes unscarred in love for very long. i just seem to already have no portions of my heart left unscarred... and i have only 19 years under my belt. i guess that is what happens when you grow up too fast. and i am certainly an honorable mention in that race i feel sometimes.
oh my this year is going to be interesting... im already almost a fourth of teh way through my time in chicago... wow.
this is the first time i have looked forward to a sunday in a long time. or any mock trial meeting day for that matter.
i am too distracted with real interaction to write anymore, it is just becoming pointless.

happiness

you know, for the week that i have had, my steady increase in happiness since yesterday afternoon is amazing. today has been a wonderful day, which is shocking, considering.
this is nice to feel again.
perhaps i am not as hopeless as i thought.
looks like it is time to prepare for a night of watching the red sox cry like small children. well, that would be the optimal situation anyway.

thank god.

getting out of bed

i had to.

oh what i would i would give...

wishing i could change the world... change his world... change my world. are second chances that obsolete? unfortunately, i guess so. forgetting is not in the picture yet i guess. blocking a blog and screen name can only prevent so much emotion...

work

four hours, nine people home, one pledge, and four emails written, one of which might qualify as a book.
keep busy keep busy keep busy no thinking keep busy ignore keep busy keep busy is always ashley's motto.

i really do not think i would even be capable of looking upon someone with such hatred and contempt as i just was.

i forgot!

capone's is carrying 12 packs of diet mountain dew... oh my goooo-ooodnesss!!!

some days are better than others

oh so we will call this day one. and i feel day one went well, minus ms. natarajan deserting me (to tell someone that someone she knew was pregnant) and leading to a situation that basically was just extremely painful on the whole. but at least i didnt just like burst into tears or something, i mean, that would have been awful, and well, just so awful. but you know, it is going to continue to happen, and i am going to get better with it, and not let it be so upsetting. and someday, hopefully sooner rather than later, it won't effect me at all. well, i actually can't say i hope that, it actually sounds quite awful and like the last thing i could hope for right now. but clearly as long asit is effecting me negatively and hurting me it would be better for it to have no effect on me at all than a bad one. so, like i said, forgetting is my only choice for now. unfortunately it's not my place to do anything else.
oh ho diddly dum.

in other news, the t-shirt guy called me again today. oh dear.

my mom just asked me if i was coming home for thanksgiving... am i wrong to find that so ridiculous? i mean, clearly.

have you ever listened to a song and thought holy shit i really hope someone else isn't listening to this song? oh dear.

here i go...

perhaps this will help with my mental health. i can't remove it from my life entirely, but i am going to try. since i clearly am not going to get piece of mind, i might as well just start forgetting. ha. i make it sound so easy...

it's hard to pay attention when your eyes are to watery to see the screen.
you know, my goal has never been to take away or destroy or prevent anyone's happiness... so why does i feel like some of those i love and care about most are trying to do just that to me?

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

i really miss...

my family is making me want to crawl into a hole and never come out again. i got so upset with my mother that amidst the yelling and crying I told her i couldn't handle it and hung up. Well, first she told me fine, go ahead. So then i just sat in my room by myself and wished for someone to talk to and hug me. Then she called back, and the same thing happened, except for longer and we got off the phone in a civil manner. At this point i got warm clothes on and headed out for a walk... i ended up walking down 53rd, not hard to guess why. but i ended up just going down to woodlawn and back down 55th. it would have been pointless anyway. it would clearly only have hurt me more. then on my way home i got a phone call from just the person i was hoping, and that helped a lot. and then i came back and watched the rest of the game with my house, and that always makes me feel better as well. i have never felt so in need of just having someone to hug me and tell me that everything will be ok. but that coming from people who aren't meaningful to you just does not have the same effect. i could have used the arboretum tonight. hell, i could have used anything tonight. up to, and including a tall building. i know, shut up me. this situation is just so out of hand and ridiculous. it makes me want to just move away from everyone and everything and dissapear.
i might have been productive at mock tonight. also, i got erica to start using "clearly" in her role, and it cracks me up. that was a good part of my night. i do so enjoy my team. although suman was not there, but she called during the meeting, so i guess she was sort of there.
i am too flustered and just plain upset to think anymore.

ugh

you know, i really hate observing the cars in the shoreland parking lot after1 am. as i really dont like having verification that people are doing it on floors below me, i prefer it to just be kind of an assumed uncertainty. is that so wrong?
earlier i hissed at someone i know as they exited the elevator. i do not think they heard me. but the girl still in the elevator did. and we laughed and laughed. i did not know her though. so she probably thinks i have some issues.
i folded pieces of paper for over two hours. it was horrid. i have the worst headache i have ever had in my life.
work sucked. i called four people who were dead. one lady we had been calling for five years and she just kept having to tell us her husband was dead. why the HELL didnt she get taken off the list yet?? And then there was the fucking "i won't answer your questions until you answer mine" bastard. but i did well money wise, and that is really all that matters. (no.) i love the new hires. they cracked me up tonight.
my sosc paper is interesting. i understand it, and think it is decent. do you know what that means? C+ at best. this is why i am a fucking cova major. i hate this god damn core.

also
i haven't been this goofy from lack of sleep since my last all nighter spring quarter. i am the i dont want to sleep anymore, its more fun to be insane stage. oh my. fuck.

also
i hate swearing. i need to get my mouth washed out with soap.

and yes. it really is more and more disturbing everytime it is used.

2:24 epiphany

i may have just now finally realized and comprehended just how much of a bitch i am/can be/was.

this was mid sentence in writing my sosc paper.

it was not because of my sosc paper.

i don't feel so good.

rhizobia and legumes

i need a vacation from my life.

sometimes the phrase "passive aggressive bitch" comes to mind.

that is all.

my freezing house

my house is cold. we have no heat. we cannot afford it this year. ha. kidding. our furnace hasn't worked for several to many days now. this has happened many times in our years at this house. So we have had a fire in thr fireplace all day both days i have been home. and you know i am lovin' that.
today was a good day, i think. i got over 9 hours of sleep. rock on me. then i went to the apple orchard. then i went shopping. i bought a suit. and a shirt. and some new doc martens which i am in love with. and a bra. and a thermal top. and that is all. then i came home. and then i went over to lindsey'd dorm. i liek lindsey's dorm, not as much as my own, clearly, but it is indeed a nice setup. then i went to dinner with andrew, eliza, and mike. clearly we went to chiles. then we dropped mike and eliza off where they wished. we went and played pool. and i am teh queen of pool for the evening. i won 7, he won 1. now, clearly, he had been drinking since about one o'clock, however, he was certianly close to sober by this time. so atfer all summer him beating me by sizable margins, i have hopefully managed to gain a small amount of dignity back. i dropped him off and came home a little before 1 o'clock. and now i have been online shoe shopping for an hour. oh, and eating biscuits.
also, it is really amazing that my mom nor i ever ended up eating any of the peanut butter fudge i made andrew for his birthday, as it looked super appetizing all day. and smelled. yummy. but we didn't, so cheers for us.
i don't really feel like saying anything on my mind. it is all kind of sad. i wish i had another day here. but alas, i do not. and it probably won't be until thanksgiving that i return...
it seems the year is already flying by.

today.

Happy Birthday Andrew!

you're the best. and that is all.

so yeah

ok. i do not have a hangover. i would like to let everyone know that. because it is amazing that i do not considering. secondly, while only one person will find the greatness in this, well, i would think, i will tell anyway. Today in bio this girl (who i dont like) was wearing a fleece very similar to mine, in fact, even more similar to my original cream fleece that was "traded in" at a bar night oh so long ago for the one i currently have. And yes, clearly i asked her about it. And we did indeed discover that it is entirely possible that we are wearing each other's fleeces. we laughed heartily for quite sometime. she however, can no longer fit into her old one (so my current one) and since hers (my old) is larger, we decided why screw with a good thing? so, yes. i am still laughing right now. it was truly a great moment, indeed. i just wish i was able to tell this story aloud as opposed to having to blog it.
i skipped work today.
i am going home.
i am going to the apple orchard.
andrew is turning 23.
k college's homecoming is saturday.
john frame is the single greatest guy alive. and i owe him big. hopefully he will enjoy a pizza instead.
it is possible that nicky and i alone almost took out a whole bottle of tequila last night.
i do not remember about 3 hours of my night.
i did not make a huge mistake last night.
this is probably a really annoying way to write a blog. and i just got y free pizza delivered from leonas. so i will be leaving for the zoo now. oh good times and good people here i come.

i am here

how the hell did this thursday nightt turn into this?? i do not know. but nicky and i were having margarita after margarita and suddenly i was toasted it was a good night. i superly enjoyed nickys company, and phils as well whe he joined us. it was a good and fun night. and i even managed to make some good decisions in the last few hours, even if john thought i was not capable. but i was. an i am very glad for my self. i think. anyway, i went out after ivi's, do not ask wehere we went, i have no fricking clue. but i am home, and in my room, all of whcih should e considered accmplishments for the evening. a wonderfully fun night indeed howeveer.
good night my dears.
all my love.

anyway...

my tummy hurts. my witness will not be at the meeting tonight. i only have one witness. so i have a severe lack of purpose tonight. that is annoying. oh well. i should think of it as a joyous social experience here i get to interact with all of my favorite people!
you can stop laughing now.
i like my bio discussion ta. not as much as my bio lab ta though... but for seperate reasons indeed. my bio discussion ta is a chic, and she is very normal. i enjoy encountering normalcy around here... oh my goodness! i did something that can be found as something to be proud of me for, or to shame me for... at the end of discussion, this kid, andrew, he sat behind me, he asked me if i was in Mind (it had come up, as the article we are reading for our first assignment has to do with the work of Martha McKlintok, who is one of our professors, and so i had said something... ANYWAY). and then what followed was me getting super excited, discussing parts of tuesdays lecture, and saying how much i was enjoying the class... i find it sick. it was so u of c i wanted to die. usually when people ask me if i am in a class with them i give exasperated and disgusted sighs, and start bitching about it, or wish to not discuss it at all. but no, i was excited. just like the other day when i believe i may have described my paper topic to andrew using the words "super," and "awesome." what is happening. i do not know.
also, my computer like randomly chooses to save IM conversations. it's like my dead aim is like lingering. but it seems to save good ones, so that is nice. i was reading some. and i realized that i am super random, and most often even moreso when i am sober. in fact i enjoy my sober conversations much more than the opposite of sober conversations. not like, enjoy having them, cause clearly that might not stay true then, but i enjoy reading them more.

according to maddy's psych book, the hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. the hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": (which the book states as)
1. fighting

2. fleeing

3. feeding and

4. mating.

we find this hysterical.

i am super tired. i should have perhaps gone to bed before 4 am.

so i just called this t-shirt place for a quote on our tshirts. the guy (mike) was super friendly. and i found it very refreshing. but then the conversation was over, and we hung up our phones. however, he called me back. and then it entered the creepy stage.

i miss the boys of 1232 and their music. now i get the boys of 1212 and their music. andrew played reggae, hip hop and irish drinking music. these guys play country and old pop. which we all know i also enjoy, however, when you can only hear teh music and not the words, as it is coming through walls, it is more enjoyable to hear the other stuff, as pop music just isnt the sam without the lyrics. ha.

smashley marie: do you ever jam with the lord?
smashley marie: its good for you
--(10:24:25 PM): in what sense?
smashley marie: umm
smashley marie: well "jam" as in "rock out"
smashley marie: and "lord"
smashley marie: as in "the god type guy"
--(10:25:00 PM): do i ever rock out with god?
smashley marie: hahaha
--(10:25:05 PM): i mean... i rock out sometimes
--(10:25:09 PM): and god is always around, they tell me
--(10:25:12 PM): so i guess
smashley marie: no no
smashley marie: you gotta be jammin with the lord
smashley marie: on purpose
--(10:25:52 PM): oh
--(10:25:56 PM): what des this look like?
smashley marie: think bob

so it is ivi's 21st birthday. they are having many people over to celbrate. it will be joyous. happy birthday ivi.
i am tired. that is all.

monopoly

i finally realized i was given a get out of jail free card for this mess, and i think i am going to use it. that is all.


additionally, another thing i realized in my run today, is that it was totally ridiculous tht i had a crush on my softball coach when i was a freshman. for some reason i just didnt see seven years as all that much of a barrier. to think i thought i had hope.
please, laugh with me.

that is truly all.

muahaha

it is hard to watch a baseball game in which 5 of the people in the room are from boston or near by and the yankees are up 6 to 0. you know? it is just not a comfortable position. meh. they lost. some didnt take it so well (ahem, kicking chairs over?)
i had a good day. an amazing day really. i went to mejier. hell yes mejier. it was grand.
i bought:
- a pumpkin
- a nice leather office chair
- huge thing of conditioner (pantene was 2 for $11)
- nail polish remover
- pretzels (mini, non-stick)
- pink mug
- orange plastic pumpkin cup
- black duct tape
- two packs of tic tacs, one lime, one orange

it was oober fun though. i went down so many aisles, just for fun. also, i had no intention of buying chair, i just got inspired (by viewing the chair). i squeeled when i saw the meijer sign. i am not joking. these people in teh store had to think i was hopped up on drugs.
speaking of drugs. well, nevermind. but i found others with similar goals to myself. that is all. haha. oh dear me.
the bio lecture as not all that awful, it kind of went by quickly in fact. erica and i gotto our meeting around 7:15. we disbanded around 7:30. hahaha. i hope tim will not be upset. but it truly was pointless. we were discussing fake ids with nicky. gs lady is all i say. then i went home and watched a majority of the game. well, at least starting in the third inning. which was joyous enough for me. we had a firedrill in the 6th innning or so. that sucked. however, after the firedrill we had our traditional firdrill pancakes. which were much more delcious this time thanks to Will.
now i just finished my sosc question and answer. it was tough for me this week, i hope i at least get a two (out of three). i am sad, as i did not schedule work tomorrow for the sole purpose of the bachelor, only to realize last night that the fucking presidential debate will be on and the bachelor is not on this week!!! argh. i will just have to make my night exciting in other ways. that is never hard i suppose.
also, the steel rod saga continues. Maddy: the sequel. a humorous story indeed. perhaps we will get out of this with a patched up wall and chinese food however. hahaha. oh dear me.
i have become bored with this for tonight. that is all.

i have too much free time.

this is what takes up 20% of my day...

AndyA5410 (11:54:27 PM): if i got raped, the last person i would want to rape me is someone with a three inch pony tail
smashley marie (11:54:49 PM): i would have to agree, but i would prefer a ponytail than them being really really fat
smashley marie (11:54:59 PM): i have this huge fear of sex with really fat people
AndyA5410 (11:55:14 PM): like that you would have to lift up a fat fold to find a penis?
smashley marie (11:55:19 PM): exactly
AndyA5410 (11:55:24 PM): so obese
smashley marie (11:55:32 PM): right
AndyA5410 (11:55:33 PM): or extremely obese
smashley marie (11:55:39 PM): right
AndyA5410 (11:55:41 PM): morbidly obese?
AndyA5410 (11:55:46 PM): anyway
smashley marie (11:55:51 PM): no, i think that sex would give those poeple a heart attack
AndyA5410 (11:55:54 PM): fatty mcfatterson's

my life's make-up (waking hours):
20% class
20% work
15% dudley house socialization
5% homework/blogging
20% talking to andrew

...i don't know for sure, but i think there is something wrong with that. not wrong in a bad way, but wrong in that it is not the schedule of a u of c student. i need more work. i feel so understressed. i guess that god is just being nice to me so i dont have stress coming at me in two directions. how nice of him.

so i think i am going home saturday morning, or maybe even friday night if i get bored. which isnt really likely, but i can just ignore all invites of fun and convince myself i am bored. i am looking forward to it, a lot. i am going to go to the apple orchard for cider and donuts. saturday is andrew's 23rd birthday. i am really glad i am not 23. i am glad that i am not 20. but i suppose that is why i am not. it is too bad i have to be back in time for mock, that always got annoying last year as well. lucky for me there is the time difference, that always helps. yay, change of scenery for the weekend!suddenly i feel like i am going to miss abunch this weekend, but there is just blues n ribs on friday, and teh shoreland bbq on saturday, but i think that is all. i think i want to go to blues n ribs, as it was yummy last year, and we had fun that night i think, i dont really remember, but it was in the days of joe, paula, maddy, jon, candace and me 24/7, and those were indeed teh good ol' days. i remember it was sammy's homecoming, and candace was on the phone with her soo much. i love sammy.
also, that last paragraph started with me talking about what time i was going to leave to go home and it ended with a declaration of love for sammy. that is really all.
oh no! i just realized something that could make for a horrible coincidence! let me investigate...
phew! their break was this past weekend. i don't know if i woudl have been up for handling that as well this weekend.
i set my font to "larger" in my settings, and it makes a world of difference!! i can read all of the little title bars at the tops of my windows so much easier now! oh it is indeed the little things in life...
so i have this bio lecture thing tomorrow, but ericais also in my bio class and is also going to the lecture, so we will skip mock together. well, an hour anyway. there will be food, an that is all that matters. i have such easy tuesdays... sosc lecture, not discussion, no more doctor appointments.... and then mock later on. how nice is that? i am glad, especially after my mondays. blech. although today really was not all that bad, i mean, bio lab was kind of interesting, except for when i was sleeping, and i always love COVA, and then i sat talking to andrew all through polisci class (i heart wireless), and then i just bummed in hutch for two hours. and work, it passed rather quickly. and here i am, not having to be up at the crack of dawn tomorrow. does life really get better? ok, so somehow i just made the worst day of my week sound nice and pleasant, i truly am an optimist, and just delusional.

delusional, indeed...

do you ever...

do you ever suddenly just realize several things in a row, and then just ask yourself "who the hell am i anymore?" well i did. and then i laughed for a really long time. i just realized how my life has basically no components that it had like 6 months to a year to 2 years ago. and that is odd. it is kind of refreshing i guess? i don't really know, but it seems ridiculous for me to have just now realized this. but i really did. meh. i just felt the need to document the fact that i really did like yell that question aloud, and it was kind of funny. because it really didn't need that type of drama. also, instead of "am i" i actually "is ashley" which is perhap swhy i found it so funny in the first place. that is all. for now. clearly.

oh sometimes i laugh aloud all by myself in hutch really loudly...

i do love being me sometimes. the sad thing is what actually provoked this laughter, which i just realized really is not that funny, but to me it was a second ago. but maybe if you followed the small chain of events that happened in like 30 seconds you would have laughed too. hmmm... i am not comfortable with a recent statement, and i have no way of doing anything about it. this is what spurred the laughter. if i try and explain anymore i am going to make even myself realize how retarded i am so i shall refrain.
i am just wasting time. it is fun to people watch in hutch, in fact, i think it is one of my favoirte places to people watch. there is always so much going on, and you really can partially figure out a lot of what all that is, and i love watching people look for people, that cracks me up often. it is really cold though, i am sitting up on the elevated stagelike part and i think cold air is like blowing on me. my toes are quite chilly. a man is wearng a skirt. a man is wearing a skirt. he has no shoes. ummmm... no, it was not a kilt. ummm. interesting.
i do not feel like four hours of work!! i just want to go home and sleep!! also, i really need more homework, like i have spent two hours wasting my life, and really feel that i should be doing work, but i really have none to do. it is kind of absurd. i need to get myself some sort of partner in crime, guy, girl, cat, goose, i do not care, just someone to spend and waste all my time with. perhaps i should get out more and try meeting someone new. but what is the point of socializing at this school? yeah, exactly. i'm gonna continue my hold on that.
so i was eating some dried fruit trail mix and i put some stuff in my mouth that i did not notice was banana chips, and then i was like oh no, i don't want to eat banana chips, but then i continued chewing and guess what? turns out i actually like banana chips after all. this is my daily excitement. i know, sad. but think of all the banana chips i do not have to waste anymore? well, i never really wasted them, as long as i had someone to give them too, but you're not always in teh company of those that enjoy banana chips when you are eating dried fruit trail mix. but now i will always be, because i am one of those people. actually, i think i will still give them away if other people like them, just out of principle and tradition. i mean, a whole life of giving away banana chips cannot just be thrown away with just this on small realization. ok, so no, that did not really make sense. but my logic arguments have never been known for being strong or sensical. ahem.
i think i may go home saturday to go to the appple orchard for cider and donuts. and i know that sounds super ridiculous, but then again, knowing myself, it really is far from ridiculous. but i wouldn't even be able to enjoy teh fact that it is k's homecoming because i woudl have to be back early sunday for mock, and well, i really hate driving and/or sitting through mock meetings while hungover.
so i just killed some guy walking by me on my way back from the washroom in order to say hello to danny. well, it wasn;t in order to, more so a result of it. but then i just kind of rushed away becaus ei felt bad, and now i feel bad for rushing away from danny. oh good, someone just sat down next to him, so he is not alone. yay.
i think i have really been detached from my music lately. like, i listen to music constantly, but i don't have anything that is like being played all the time or i am totally in love with for teh moment, it's like i have nothing to connect it to... am i really that empty inside? i sure hope not, but that is how i feel most often i guess. or maybe not. i do not really know. i do not understand myself lately. as i seem really happy most of the time, and i am, but there are liek 5 minutes spans of time where it all just falls apart. but then its over, and i'm ok again. it is confusing, and hard. i mean, i know most of things that trigger it, but they are unavoidable for the most part, unless i, well, they are unavoidable, and that is that.
i think a trip to meijer might be in order tonight. it just sounds really nice. i wouldnt get there until like 11, but that is the joy of meijer after all, right? oh meijer. how i do miss thee. haha, i think besides about five people that live there, one of the only other things i miss on a daily basis about kalamazoo is meijer. haha. how sad.
i have typed an excessive amount about myself today between several long emails and now this. i am begining to feel selfish. so i am done. and off to work... god i hope i dont have to call SSD people again... please oh please...

ooberly

you'd think a nice long e-mail from miss wang would cheer me up... but now i am just ooberly missing her. perhaps it also because i am sitting at hutch wasting my life away. or perhaps i just am crazy. that is all.

somedays you feel like the day doesnt really exist

so when you spend 8 hours of your day occupied, by the time you are free, you feel like it is still 1:00 when it all started. but i do have bio lab in the morning at 8:30, so i shoudl go to sleep regardless.
isn't maija so precious? wow, i think so. that is all.
work was annoying today, everyone was so bitchy. remind me never to go to the u of c for grad work in the social sciences. hahahaha. just the thought of that was so ridiculous i had to laugh aloud. the few people who i did talk to that were really nice were all history students, which was interesting considering the bitterness i expect overall from history sudents. but i still got a few pledges, all from women, i have a way with women. ha.
oh my mondays are long, especially since i have to work. it will be better than last monday however, i can be sure of that at least.
oh my, mock was sucky today. i got annoyed quickly. but i am getting alng with most everyone quit well, especially tim, and clearly suman as well. i was rather high strung and bubbly today, so that made it somewhat entertaining, but once i got annoyed i lost the bubbliness and just sat and shivered to death. i smuggled pretzels. muahahaha. mock is just weird to me though. which i suppose is understandable, but i am glad that i enjoy my team for the most part. it is too bad negin isn't on it as well. but she gets the entertainment of harry instead. ha. also, my extremely dorky measures that i went to on thursday night for mock were used today, so i think that maks me slightly less of a loser. yeah, and reading the encylopedia for fun isn't dorky either...
oh my sometimes i just talk and talk and don't really have anything to say.
also, i set a record a few days ago. and it was the record that i set out to reach about three months ago. so i am proud. although i am not really sur ei fully reached the goal, as i would not call my state of being quite content. but for all practical purposes i think i have proved to myself what i needed to. so that is good.
oh my god my stomach is throbbing. every time i eat i feel like someone is knifing me. AAHHH.
eyes shutting. tired.

oh my :)

maija elizabeth... is she not the most precious thing on earth?

don't send me flowers, they will just die.

oh my, I think it was a very good idea to stay in tonight. I really do not want to spend any more time than absolutely necessary at the student care center and associated hospitals. not to mention that I am just plain tired. yuck... tomorrow is going to such an awfully long day. at least I do not have to be up early however. mock form one to four, work from 5:30 to 9:30. work will at least be interesting tomorrow, as most people are home on sunday nights, so I feel I will get to talk to a lot more people. which makes me happy. oh wait, shit! I just realized I have a house council meeting at 9 tomorrow... ummm... how can I miss my first house council meeting as president??? rargh!! I knew there was a reason I was to not sign up for any shifts on sunday! maybe I can call through my break... I might be able to get back to shoreland by like 9:20 then... hmmm, maybe I can convince to delay house council meeting to 9:30 tomorrow?? oh dear me. I feel so bad. sure, I can serve the whole damn house vast quantities of alcohol but I can't even make it to 20 minutes house council meetings. malarghy.
so I have been feeling a bit blue today. well, I mean, I just didnt do anything all day, except talk to Andrew for excessive amounts of time, as well as search for a credit card that I had never been given back in the first place. but I spent a lot of time just kind of being by myself and thinking. which was nice, especially after such a busy week... this whole work + mock + life (actually having one for once) is kind of hard!! while it seems I never have any homework, I also never have any me time. but I did today. I mean, I was bothered often by the usuals knocking at my door, but only for a few moments now and then. then I went out to dinner with john, will, sarah, helena & bf, daniel & friend, debbie, isabelle, josh, and nick. we went to the med and we ate a lot of food. I had the spinach goat cheese pizza, and it was very good. poor sarah got the bbq chicken pizza with john but she didnt realize it had onion on it and she really hates onion, and I felt bad watching her attempt to eat it. it reminded me of my brother eating basically any food that isn't plain chicken. or really saucy pizza. liz and charles and the girls were there when we got there, but I wish michelle would have been. but I wont discuss why, cause I have been horrible enough tonight.
oh I love having white lights up in the room, it makes it so much more warm and cozy than the lamps.
so I was putting some milk into a bowl tonight. and the little plastic ring was still around the top even though it had been opened several days ago. and I thought to myself how I will never stand for that in my house. and then i got really shaken up. and i kind of had a mini-freak out, but it was not too bad, they are to be expected when you are me. it is kind of sick the volume of information, facts, and conversation tidbits i remember about everyone, i think that is what makes me as crazy as i am. it's too bad i don't remember useful things like the capital of New Hampshire or the name of the 12th president (or 4th through 40th for that matter). pk, so i did just realzie that those things are far from useful, but deinfitly more useful than rememberng what i got for dinner almost everytime i have ever gone out since i was like 10 years old. or, as such started this whole rant, those who i know that are as anal about removing the ring around the milk cap as i am. or being able to read a random line of text and finish singing the song it belongs to without pause. how is it that people can remember the lyrics to hundreds of their favorite songs, even forty years later, but they can't remember that they have a dentist appointment when they were just reminded the previous day? i just don't get it. i do not want to get older. i like my memory. actually, that is a lie. i would like to not remember every little detail, as no one else does so you just feel silly and don't admit to half of what you remember most of the time anyway.
also, apparently saying "thank you anyway" is a rude and sinful thing to do, and makes you deserving of pissiness and not being talked to. just fyi.
the lady at the front desk of the flamingo at nights on teh weekends is a really annoying dumbass. an di feel bad saying that, but i really do feel that way. i have had several run ins with her now, and she just makes me want to kick her. instead i just roll my eyes and sigh loudly. probably just as annoying and bitchy as the first idea.
i am missing having my two of my favorite people around and available to talk to, but i am begining to get used to it. i've become a lot more social again, and that is really nice, i missed that part of my life, as it kind of disspeared after fall quarter last year. its nice to have such a wide variety of friends instead of just my asian and blondie. not that i cannot wait for miss wang to return... winter quarter will be so wonderful... our grades will suffer, but we will be joyful. i would indeed love to have life similar to last year, but i am adjusting quite well, and life certainly has more excitement these days. i miss it though... i miss him, indeed. and sometimes i think i just miss the concept of it all, the whole always having somone right there, knowing someone will love you regardless of everything... but it is indeed the exact opposite i then realize. it really is that i miss him and his company, and i in fact enjoy the lack of the bigger concept immensely. but none of that matters, as for all practical purposes he is gone, and so is miss wang, and i am figuring out how to have fun the college-way again. haha, not that miss wang and i don't/won't be accomplishing plenty of that upon her return. i still just wish i had that magic wand to make everyone's world happy and perfect again though... especially since i have started feeling more helpless than ever.

also, i took my contacts out tonight. that is exciting news. speaking of exciting news, mr andrew alexander got a cell phone (finally) and he is enjoying the use of it immensely. as am i. haha, as if we didn't spend enough time in our days aimlessly talking to each other when he didnt have cellphone... oh, but what else better do we have to do? oh my! how creepy is that? speak of the devil. my phone just whistled at me, which means i have voicemail, but it never rang, so i did not know that i was even being called. but i am sure the message will yell at me for not answering, or actually it is late enough that he might assume i was sleeping. but i am sure he will still comment on it. i am sad i missed the call, i was looking forward to discussing my uneventful evening with him. i am sure he would have had entertaining things to share. oh well, i suppose this is my sign i should go to bed.
perhaps the lack of being ablet to keep my eyes open at all woudl also be a good sign. oh my.
n

i presidenti

i know this is not new, but I wanted this out of my facebook profile, so I just decided to move it, as it needs to always be in your heart

(written December 31, 2000, a collaborative effort)

Al = Pal - P
am an American youth, and I have a picture of you on my wall. The thing is, Al, you are really hott. With two t's. And when I say hot, i mean sexy. You’re right up there with Matt Damon and Brad Pitt. Literally, you’re on my wall right next to them. Tipper is eh. I mean, I'm you know. And to you, I dedicate these lyrics. "I'm falling even more in love with you."- LifehouseBecause of you, I will be president one of these days. Again, I mean this literally. It is my dream, and it will come true. I'm also starting a firm with my friend, Heba (she wasn't born in America...ssshhh), and she's having a muffin store. Anyways, like I was saying, my friend Lindsey (her dad is Judge Smith, ya know him?) is gonna be a Senator of NY. She's a fan of Hillary, you know Bill's wife. I'm a princess. Again, I mean that literally. I wear a crown, a "tierra" the more politically correct term, no punn intended. So, I got big plans, Al. I hate two guys; Their names are E-van and George, ya know, laura's husband. But about E-van, ever heard of him? He goes to my school. He was my date to winter formal. You know, winter time, dance, dresses? You know what's up. I didn't see you there, by the way. I was hopin' to get our freak on, but I bet Tipper was being needful again. (I suggest you don't show this to her.) So, I guess the point of me writing, besides to tell you about your physical endowments, is to get an "in" into the Washington scene, since you know, you're not fresh into it like Dubbya. It sucks that you're not gonna be there anymore, huh? Yeah, that sucks. I cried when I watched your concession speech. Pathetic, huh? I know you were just putting on a show though, those news people are on crack. No one could like Dubbya. But you do have some good publicity people. Maybe you can hook me up with them, or maybe you and I can just do the "hooking." I have someone you can put on your hit-list, when you do become president someday. His name is Drew (and E-van will be fine too). Drew is ... well, a dumbass (Republican.) He said that you had a large neck. I think that your neck is one of your endowments and for that comment, I punched Drew. I have this teacher (Do it Mr. Cahow!) named Mr. Cahow, and I would really like to know his political affiliation. He teaches AP US History and he won't tell us if he is a Democrat or a dumbass, I mean republican. Can you help me out here, Al? My whole class would love you, including Lindsey (you know, Judge Smith's daughter, do you know him?). Have you ever played softball? Well, Mr. Cahow is obsessed with the sport, and he only wears slacks, never jeans. I wonder why...hmmm. You know what’s up. Do you play softball? I do. I am obsessed with my coach, not as much as I am with you. I don’t have a picture of him on my wall. I have a picture of you on my wall. then again, I actually get to see him so I don't need a picture of him on my wall. Hint hint, you should come visit me sometime, regardless of what Tipper says. Don't be like Bill. Well, actually maybe you should be more like Bill. I do respect him a lot. I kind of find him hot too. He's so presidential, and you're so VICE-presidential. Do you like the Shaggy song?? You know, "It Wasn't Me?" I bet Bill likes it, heh heh. It's about this guy who gets caught, ya know what he was doing. I like the song a lot; it's playing right now. It would suck to be the girlfriend though. Not bad to be the other girl. heh heh. Well, now that we've gotten personal, can I ask you some questions? Do you have any celebrity crushes? What do you think of Britney Spears? Hot stuff man, huh? How about Tipper? Oh wait, she's your wife. I think she's right up there with Britney. Is she on your wall? You're on my wall. Did I tell you that? Right up there with Matt and Brad. I'm going to go to Yale, if I do better on my SATs. I just took them, I only got a 1260. Isn’t that horrible? I bet you got like a 1890 or something. My friend Heba (not US born...ssshh) got a sucky score like that too when she took them. Our practice ain't doing too well. I can speak Ebonics. I can turn it on and off just like that. I go to Kalamazoo Central HS, World Class High School, and we only speak Ebonics there. But I like our public schools. I have to admit that I agree with Dubbya there. We don't need any more funding or teachers! I enjoy being bilingual. Ebonics and English, I'm so talented. I also go to KAMSC (Kalamazoo Area Math and Science Center). Yeah, a nerd school. Speaking of you and hotness, my chemistry teacher, oh baby. His name is Dr. T. Yeah, you probably got a private screening of it. And what I mean by "it" is the movie, you know, Richard Gere. Can I come see it...with you? Dr. T is built man. (Not Richard Gere, although I can send another email about him later) The sad thing is, is that one of your secretaries is going to read this, and you're never going to see it or read it, and I'm going to cry. I just want a reply back, please! From you! I know what a fake signature looks like. Real ink does not constitute a real signature. Trust me, I know. So please, whoever is reading this know, send it to my pal, Al, up in the White house. Hopefully, you are not getting in trouble for laughing at me, and hopefully you will stop laughing at me some day. In the mean time though, I am expecting a reply from my one true love, Dr. T, I mean Al Gore, up on my wall with Matt and Brad. (Can you get Matt to send me a letter too? And one from Brad to my friend Heba (you know, the one who wasn't born in the US...ssshhh).) Well, give my regards to Tipper, Karenna, Kristin, Sarah, and little Al. But don't tell them about my friend Heba (who wasn't born in the US...ssshhh).
Love, Ashley.
P.S. I am really not his retarded. I am retarded, well not really retarded, I'm retarded in the dumbass sense well not Republican, you know what I mean. Everything I say is true, but I'm normally not this retarded, you know. And I stress, not Republican. I'm sarcastic and rather odd, so that may clarify some things when you read this letter. I guess that about sums it up. I am anxiously awaiting a reply.

oh i should be in bed

i feel the need to blog, but i also feel the need to sleep. considering how much i should not have even gotten out of bed today, the amount of socializing and drinking i did was extreemly unhealthy. i vomited vast quantities of blood around 6pm and by 10pm when my party got started i was drinking alcohol. i know, i am an idiot. I am just happy i am sitting in this chair at my computer and not the emergency room. anyway, the party was great. it was exactly what i wanted it to be. john is crazy and i love him. negin is ooberly-wonderful. maddy is much more liek herself than i remember her being in quite sometime. Will is just fabulous. and jon came too! and apparently it appears that i am in love with jon. no, i am not in love with jon. jon is not in love with me. whatever happened to the concept of good friends in this world? also, i am taking a poll on what joe and i's dancing at parties last year looked like from an outsiders persepctive. i was told something funny, and i want to know if it was just alcohol telling me this opinion. and as for everyone else that came, the invited and many uninvited, you are all just as lovely, especially ben and ml, who so awesomely mixed and shook drinks all night for us. and very good ones at that. kai for the mix, jason for some extra salsa, and for everyoen eating the brownies so i did not eat them all tonight when everyone left. instead, we all just sat eating broken chip crumbs for over an hour, maybe even two. and thanks to paul for singing every word of love the one you're with with me, and will and john for build me up buttercup. now i am just being random, but i am not tired. oh yeah, there is that big thing at jon's house tomorrow, president randel is even going to be there for a bit. but i am not sure i need to start drinking before 4pm after tonight's events.
my brother clearly so wonderfully fixed my computer, it took a reallly longtime, so i am in oober-debt to him. he even kept all of my mp3s available. how much does that rock? a lot.
everyone did not leave until a little after three, at which point i kicked them out in order to nurse my throbbing stomach. i really dont even want to know what wedmd has to say to me on this. epecially when you add in a few other major issues that have come up in the last two weeks or so, i think my body is just totally falling apart. i really do. webmd woudl tell me that as well, but i am not looking, as i do not wish to cry. and my mom isnt here to wake up and start sobbing to her that i have leukemia and am going to die. i do not think i have leukemia. i think i have another form of cancer. nothing to do tomorrow!! downtown?? i think YES! maybe, actually, i think i might make it a cleaning day, as our bathtub is filthy! also, fyi, the room 1210 toilet fiasco has been partially fixed, it is still crazy, but slightly back to somewhat normal.
i miss candace. a lot. :( come home soon!
what the hell have been typing? this is ridiculous, i had nothing to say, i muste worse off than i think right now.
cheese, i like cheddar cheese.
no AIDscare tip tomorrow, cancelled. how sad. i thought of driving for habitat, but it would have required being awake in about three hours. HA.
also, sometimes i read people's away message and i gag aloud to myself. that is all.
ugh.

kidding.

i have no new screen name. i figured out my password. which was quite ironic, not that i fugured it out, but what it is. anyway. yay. so smashleymarie i shall stay. wooo hooo.

oh the consequences

first of all, my new screen name. we must say goodbye to smashleymarie, as the only place the password was stored was on his computer, and it got erased, and that name dates back to my aol account, which has been gone for about 5 years, and so i can retreive my forgotten password.
my point, the "new" name:

XXXXXXXXXX

that is 3 S's.

i'll be back.

also, it is october 9th. oh hum diddly dum...

two final notes on my day

1) i was informed that i was missspelling "uber" with "oober," however, just so everyone knows, this is purposeful. I think it looks much better, and gets the mood and feelings behind me using the word conveyed much more accurately and to my liking.

2) i am a total nerd/reject/loser and my wonderful fellow team radon members know why if they have checked their e-mail anytime since i posted this blog.

that is truly all. potatoes need sleep too.

The Death of My Computer

Apparently, my computer had run it's lifespan as of about 3 am last night. and let me tell you, trying to fix a crashed computer at 3 am not entirely sober, is something no one shoudl ever try. unless maybe you are brad boven. Insert shoutout to my brother for fixing my computer as we speak here. It cannot start windows, at all, in any mode, at all. It is sad. It made this ticking sound, and BOOM. i said arrivaderci. So i here i sit at the shoreland computer lab, which i always find quite peaceful and pleasant anyway. It is kind of strange not having my computer in my room, it's like, what do i do if i am not eating or socializing? so that is why i am here. although i am eating simultaneously. so i guess that is not even true.
mock was good tonight. i like my witness, erica, she is very sweet. she reminds me a bit of myself, excpet for that whole sweet part.
also, i am wearing this sweater today. and this sweater, i have not worn in a very long time, so i say to myself when i pull the sweater out of the drawer... "i have not worn this since the end of november last year, clearly it has to have been washed since then! So i was like cool beans, i have a clean shirt to wear. So then i put it on. It has a stain on the front, and on teh sleeves. which is really funny considering when i last wore it, i must have been a slob that night. no, i think i actually remember droppping the food into my lap, and it was just once, so i suppose it wasnt too embarassing. Meh. what's new regardless. so teh point is that, i wore a sweater that i hadnt worn since november that has not been washed since november, and odds are, for many months before that as well. I am gross. no, it smelled good still. and it wasnt like i was really nervous and sweated a bunch the last time i wore it.
oh anyhow, nick came to the meeting tonight!!! it was wonderful to see him, and to have him ask such blunt questions in a room full of my team. he is most certainly on my list of favorite mockers, in fact, he is just on my list of favorite people in general. suman was sick though, which made me sad, i shoudl go visit her and she if she is feeling any better, that would be the nice thing to do, especially considering she is liek 6 floors away now. maybe i will do that.
i tabled for campusfood.com today. it was joyous. i love being an obnoxious reynolds club tabler, it is one of my favorite pastimes here at the u of c.
so there is this crazy guy in my house named Kai. and that is all.
i suppose i dont really have any left productive to say. i mean, there is no point to go up my room though, as it would just be me sitting there, distracting maddy. so perhaps i will babble on, maybe go for world record blog length, well, i am sure some of my blogs from the old blog would win. meh.
i was a very happy kid today. i was smiling everywhere, and all around pleasant. it was a very good change of pace and change of lifestyle. i just got to deal you know? maybe i should indeed learn from my experience, and folllow that solution, perhaps it really would be best. or maybe things will work out, and maybe i dont have to exile him out of my life. i mean, i can;t say that i would enjoy that, i tend to forget lately how much i enjoy his company and much he can make me laugh, and how much we used to be able to just talk and talk and talk... until we ran the restaurants out of water. so i feel it would be my loss if i chose to just forget him entirely, but who knows, mayeb more healthy in the long run, i mean, am i only going to build negative , harsh, and resentful feelings towards him throughout this time of us being so completely distant? I mean, i feel that that cannot help but be the outcome. I mean, there is already the building of that, but right now i would still be able to let go of all those feelings in an instant, but i doubt after awhile that it will be so easy, and then, what will be the point of having any type of even friendship if there is backlash? so you see, it is very circular, i always come back to the realization that i really should just take teh hard route, use my experience. But i am just so not ready to do that to myself... plus i just see him too often for it too not be even oober-harder than it would be if i didnt have to. yes, oober.
oh there i go again, being a babbling brook. too bad my name is not brook. then that would be a really awesome pun. well, i would think it was an awesome pun. but then again, i just like puns. so keep your pun-hating bitchself away from me. hahhaha. oh my, i was clearly joking.
i went grocery shopping. cheerios and honey cheerios are only a DOLLAR SIXTY NINE this week!!!! isnt that fucking insane? i mean, teh small box of cheerios usually costs five dollars there... but under two dollars!! i bought a box of each. mmmmmm. i also got some of my red raspberry soda, and cheese for maddy, since i used a lot of hers, but i accidently got cheddar instead of american, becaus ei thought she had bought cheddar, even though i would clearly prefer american, but she did indeed have american, so i messed up. i shoudl have gone with gut instinct. but who doesnt love cheddar, right?
wow, i can be so boring. AND THEN A MONSTER BIT ME!
whew, need to take a breather after that one.
alright. i am enjoying my hairdo this evening, it's amazinmg how the hairdos that take the shortest amount of time i think always look the best. who knew jabbing bobby pins in your head was like always a winning look? and always new, and littel different. a surprise indeed.
so the authors we have been reading for sosc are the greatest people ever. their writing really makes me laugh aloud. i am soooo glad i took mind. it is definitely the sosc for me.
yes, that rhymed.
i think i might find it in me to enjoy mock this year, like even the actual trial portion of it... isnt that awesome? to actually enjoy a round instead of wanting to puke or roll over and die of the ulcer in your stomach that you gave yourself form freaking out? i would certainly take that anyday. certainly indeed.
it is almost browniw time. and john and i have to make up the agenda for sundays house meeting. not to mention buy alcohol and other such related substances for my party.
oh joy.
maybe ill be connected to the world again at some point tomorrow.
until then.

i don't really know what i am going to say in teh following blog, it will be a surprise!

so tonight was good. i went from last night having everyone tell me i looked "ass tired," "on heroin," or "dead" to "effervescent," "healthy," and "glowing." how is that possible? and i hadn't even been drinking yet! I spent most of the night talking to jon. but also josh, and random alpha delts. i went through a four step interview process with tristan. apparently, i am very good marriage material. who would have thought? ha.
alreayd getting rsvps for the party friday night. it shoudl be quite fun indeed. quite.
i rode the drunk van home with some interesting characters. they were entertaining. one kept discussing drinking vodka with five russiands in his living room.
have i mentioned the boys across the hall are having a party just like every other night? when came home a country song was blasting from the stereo. i laughed. i did. and i just did now again.
sosc and then tabling for campusfood.com! and then freeness until mock time. oh glorious mock. and it's not even the case and the role that is giving me ulcers this year...
oh mamma mia. it is bedtime. only so much fun can be had in one day. hahaha. yeah, right, like my days could ever be fun lately. let us laugh again. hahahaha.
that is all.

this was on our bulletin board by the elevators in dudley. it brightened my morning in a serious way.

I am an idiot (clearly)

So I was thinking, and you know how you are supposed to learn from your experience, mistakes, past, etc? Well, clearly I am a total moron then. As if I had learned anything from how much my life changed for the better when I completely deleted one person out of it, in every way possible, then don't you think I would have learned that I should put that solution into action in any future situation of a very similar kind, as opposed to making another year of my life screwed up? Well I have not learned this. And it wasn't until I was shaking uncontrollably in the reynolds club that I even realized that it was the same situation... I am really begining to wish we had pursued the topic of how I get so invested in things like she had wanted to. And now that I have realized the similarity... I am so torn with what I am to do. I just know how much it took out of me in august to do this the first time around in my life, and I do not even know if I have that strength again. not to mention that I have to take note of the differences as well... the differenc in people, and the difference in personality, and the difference in positive and negative memoreis and feelings associated with each. but regardless of how much i can look back and smile on memories, etc. what it is doing to me right now, which is basically tearing my mind and body apart, is perhaps all that shoudl be important, because that certinaly is no differet for either. so where does that leave me? just as confused as i began this. damn it. i just don't know how i can go on with good conscience that i am not basically inducing pain on my own body, as i know that there is a solution supposedly... but what if that was not what was meant to happen? what if i really am supposed to let things continue on and take their on course, and taking such serious/permanent action on my part would be against the big plan for me?

oh i shall ponder for awhile.

and that

and so it was decided. that is that.

i have run out of words...

there is so something so wrong with what just happened i feel. but it was my own choice i guess. my theatrical abilities are greater than i knew. i should be happy i get to gain an hour of every week back, however, it just seems wrong considering me, and considering i cried as soon as i got out of the office and all the way home, not to mention the last week as well, and then other things no one in the world even knows are going on.
i do not think i am perfectly well, but i just don't have anything left to say...

oh the nights of a million blogs...

so i have no intention of sleeping this evening, i am not sure i could sleep if i tried. luckily andrew is still awake and talking to me...

AndyA5410 (1:06:50 AM): one time i put too much salt on my eggs
AndyA5410 (1:07:01 AM): i didn't eat eggs for so long after that
AndyA5410 (1:07:26 AM): and the other one i ate like a animal cracker type thing that was under a chair the day that we were moving

you see, we have very constructive and productive conversations. as if you don't know your friend's first two barfing memories, from age pre 3, what kind of friend are you?

yeah, that is what i thought.

AndyA5410 (2:09:38 AM): two questions
AndyA5410 (2:09:54 AM): what if you were in a cross country event and you came in 370th place
AndyA5410 (2:10:18 AM): and 24th on your team (last)
AndyA5410 (2:10:31 AM): and what if your name was colleen collins
AndyA5410 (2:15:13 AM): how would you feel if you were the kalamazoo men's golf team and after 7 of 8 events the top two teams were within two strokes of each other and you were 300 strokes behind

that was three, however, sometimes your math skills can be poor.

why the fuck have i listened to u2 all night??? argh!!!

life is just ridiculous. you can think you are so okay, that you are so stable, when you are truly not even close perhaps. or maybe this is not old issues, maybe this is new, but it is so much like the past that i feel so dumb from not having gotten any better with dealing. maybe i really am just a lost cause. why do i do this to myself? who the hell up there goes on allowing my heart to be filled so much by another? why cannot the mind control the heart? i want so badly to run to my old comfort in times of such instability but even that disspeared from my life not long ago but it seems like years ago. no old comforts are around anymore, and while i have plenty of people to go to it is jus such a new concept and it is so hard. will it always be this hard? should i just swear off social interaction as a whole? ban the concept of close or intimate friends? i would not outrule the idea. what is worse is my complete lack of means for expressing myself. this has captured me on a far deeper level and has overtaken my life unlike any loss before. for the last week or so it has been such emptiness inside sometimes, it is so awful. i just cannot seem to counteract anything as i have no idea why it is all happening. i tried so hard to make everything okay, to put everything back on a track to a new life, and reblossoming, and i thought it was starting. but then everything just died on me. kind of like my watermelon plants. they didn't get a single bud all summer... and then right when i left for school my mom told me that i finally had gotten some buds, but now with the first frost approaching quicker than ever, those buds will die, the plant will die, and come next spring there will be nothing left but weeds. i dont want this all to just die and be forgotten, that is something i never wanted or wished for or tried to make happen. i relaize i cannot contril everything but without knowing why at all all i can do is see it from my own angle and this is what i come up with. god i sound so fucking crazy! when did i let this all happen again! i am stable! not crazy! people and friends come and go! even family it seems, if i can deal with that, why cannot i no deal with this?? my god, i just am such a retard. i wish i even understood my own emotions but i don't, i don't understand why i am so broken down and turned totally disfunctional about someone who could not careless in return, or even enough to have talk to me about it. why?

yay for negin!

yay for negin! im so glad that i didnt do any of her opening or completely change her cross from a direct into a cross! i have a mocker in my house :) too bad she is not on my team however. but, needless to say, her team has an entertaining enough bunch... haha. that is all. yay.
(and yay for suman and i and that lack of responsibility)

oh my

i have had a long day. and not a good day. by any means. the only thing that was okay today was my classes, that is so backwards. my bio lab went perfect this morning, my la partner is this brianne chic, a first year, she seems nice enough, and we rocked the lab, (as if it was hard...) cova was awesome, we did some neat excercises, although we used charcoal in a serious way and i have been covered in it ever since. lunch was nice, i chatted with steven in teh c-shop and ate some "slimey pasta shells" which were actually quite delcious. nothing especially exciting happened in polisci, professor lipson was entertaining as always, but i seemed to occupy my thoughts otherwise. after class i went home, it was very cold! and then i had to rush to get something shipped out so that it could make it there by 10:30 tomorrow, and the lady at the upsstore was so super slow and talkative. but helpful an nice nevertheless, which is always enjoyable. then i had to rush to work, and i drove straight from the upsstore so i did not have my bookbag so work was a bit long considering how much time was spent staring at a very unentertaining compuuter screen. I got the same amount of pledges as yesterday. i liek calling the young alumni, they amazingly enough give more than some of the old guys. and then you also come across people you know, someone was talking to someone everyone knew (clearly excpet me, as everyoen i work with are fourth years) and it eas very entertaining, and time consuming. the only person i ran across was kevin. whom i said was put down as not available as to avoid that altogether, not to mention speculation of perhaps interrupting anything. anyway, so then work finally ended, entertaining night yes, but long and filled with too much thinking time, also yes. luckily i got to just drive home and not freeze to death. and here i sit. maddy is doing AOII stuff, so it is just me, and some granola. mmmm, granola.
oh life, i hate you.
that is all for now.

throwin' it out for good measure.

so i was evil, i nominated negin for vice president at like 3 am last night (this morn), to run against Kara. clearly negin would win. and clearly she did. but on top of that it appears that i laughed during Kara's little speech. now that is humorous, but oh so awful, you would think a president would have better demeanor than that. John and I are indeed co-presidents, celebration party/caroline's bday party/excuse to drink vast quantities of alcohol will be taking place on Friday night. it is a secret. that way we can avoid the presence of some people. i do not feel the mentioning of names is appropiate here. hopefully our resident bartender will bar tend for us. hmmmm, john's room or mine? preferably john's, it is bigger after all. hmmm.
so work was awesome today. except i hung up on this really awesome lady who was even pledging, and i just feel horrible. would not you feel the same? it was kind of long, i think shifts should be three hours, but it really isn't that bad. hopefully i don't like fall asleep tomorrow night. while super-humorous, not so good-job-manner etiquette stuff.
i have bio lab tomorrow!! my first lab ever in this joint. i must say, excitemnt is residing within me. okay, so maybe not, as it is still at 8:30 in the morning. but it has to be better than lecture, right?
do you know what word is highly underused? fucktard. i know it is quite derogatory, but it really does just roll of the tongue so smoothly, yet so vulgarly. i suppose i ought not make the resoluion to use it more, but i really am going to consider the idea. oh me, such the good idea meister.
j-5 and i are getting along so super well lately. sometimes i just crank up the j-5 and walk/dance/skip/frolic around my living room. you see, in case it is not public knowledge, i am a fucktard.
haha, i like it. i want to make it a less serious derogatory remark and much more light hearted. it is my goal. i like goals. i have read WAY too much about goals today. fucking sosc. actually i really enjoyed reading it. but its not as if i am going to say i love bio and sosc in the same 1,000 word span of writing. clearly. gs lady.
there is no point in me being awake right now. well, there is no point with a lot of things concerning me and my life, but that is just depressing. oh marilyn monroe, i love you.
never as much as julia stiles. i would do julia before marilyn. although marilyn would be a close second. but she is dead, so really, it wouls be julia roberts with britney spears to follow. the third one just cause she'd have to be good i think. but who knows. clearly ms stiles would be my one and only regardless.
ok, so now that my lesbian tendencies are out in the open, shoudl i start discussing like brad pitt or something? i mean, i feel somethings go without saying. especially when it comes to al gore. or dr. t. hahahaha. oh man. gavin, i was in love with gavin rossdale. that is all.
bedtime for me.
(biggest perk of early morning bio? you always have a book to read even when you arent tired that will be a full-proof method of getting you too fall asleep... concepets in biology)

and ode to sobriety

one of my tranfer students is a licensed bartender. we have a floor full of alcoholics. what does this mean?? bad things. however, this blog is an ode to my sobriety on a saturday night. which was a really good plan considering how upset i was earlier. i got all of my COVA homework one tonight. Hopefully i will finish my sosc reading at the law school tomorrow. then it is my first day of work!! one to five!! i am so nervous. i think once i make a few calls i will be just fine. wish me luck!
also, well, i do not really know what to say here. as, well, i just think people really suck. and it really sucks for me when the people i think suck are all related to me. lucky for me i have wonderful friends. especially one.
also, i have no idea what is going on in my week ahead. which should probably be rectified, but i do not really know how to go about doing that. perhaps i will make an attempt tomorrow. who knows. actually, i just decided what i will do, well, maybe. hmm, i just cannot decide.
wow, maddy beat me to bed tonight. this is a first. i left my lamp on, i hope she turns it off, as it woudl annoy me if i were her. but maybe she is used to that, since she did have a roommate last year after all. Hmm.
also, my body, it is dying, in so many more ways than one.
I stole the tea kettle from the house kitchen. i do plan to return it, unlike the blender that we never returned last year. wel, we did, just not until june 11th.
oh june.
so on my long walk around hyde park in order to calm my extreme upsetness with my family i realized for the millionth time how much i love this place. at least i have my peacoat.
that is all.

i love autumn weather

having football on all day and it being a chilly and blustery autumn day could really not make me any happier.
that is really all.

vote JA!

so i had a super fun night. which is rare you know, at the U of C. But i got some work done, hung out with dudley housers, and then partied it up old school style. all my favorite ex-dudliers at lambda, well except one, but suppoesedly i just missed him. as usual. it was very wet getting there. john and i took the A from there over to further joyousness. i saw lots of people there. including suman. suman and i had some good chatting. well, i do not really know if it was good, but we chatted, and that shoudl say enough for me. when we came back we mae a frozen pizza. we still being john and i. it was super good. we shared it with ML and ben. all while making threats to marcus, on of teh guys across teh hall form me who was lying on teh couch talking on the phone and w did not appreciate him. SOMEONE ripped part of a ruler down!!! i will get them. i ran around the house making stabbing motions with a sharp steak knife covered in pizza sauce and cheese. i think i may have jabbed into the walls several times. i guess i shoudlnt have done that. but i was going to catch those commie bastards. ben came down to my room with a martini glass... he shoudl not have been drinking anymore, i just hope ML wasnt drinking anymore, as she has mono, and had certainly had enough. sam was passed out by the time we got home and his roommate was on his way to the same place. negin dissapeared. maddy was out on a date and she came back while i was gone, but she is gone again. i hope all goes well, he is such an awesome guy. well, he is a republican. but he is from florida. what do you expect? but he is still nice. i think so anyway.
it is cold. very cold. forty nine degrees in fact. mamma mia!
who the hell goes to a reggae party on 65th?? are they crazy?? they didnt even know where it was or whose house it was... hmmm... not sounding intelligent if you ask me. but maybe its just me.
i am listening to u2. it is enjoyable to me so much more lately, for so long it was just to emotion provoking. but now it is just enjoyable again. sure, a feew songs may still be a little hard to handle, but it is songs that hold not bad significance, so it is not disruptive. like grace. that is super happy memory. oh life! what a wonderful thing.
this is teh first time it has rained in soooo long. i miss teh nice weather already. but my hair still rocked tonight, so it didnt matter. i feel like everyone rocked tonight. sometimes nights are just like that. you just look around and you are like damn bitches. maybe that has correlation to something else...
dancing was fun tonight. what wasnt fun tonight? well, the rain, but even that added a realm of coziness to the evening.
i hope mr. alexander went to bed when he was supposed to, as i really want him to do well on his lsats tomorrow. i really do. i am quite confident that he will, i mean, he has been studying a bunch, and doing well on practice tests, and as long as he got some rest and stays focused tomorrow, he will do great. right? right! break a leg buddy.
oh steel rod, how i love thee.
thank god that alarm clock is not still going off.
should i do work tomorrow? i suppose i will try and do some while i am being the doorwoman at the law school tomorrow. i really love reading for sosc. it is so sickening to me to enjoy something so much. especially when it is sosc. oh sosc.
i dont think i have said anything constrcutive yet. that is a bit pathetic. maybe i should say something profound. or profess some secret. OH yeah! that reminds me, i foun something really great out about o-week last year. it makes me so happy to know. i will not share anymore, but sometimes memories really get upgraded months later.
i love my jo(h)ns. john and i are going to make awesome presidents. and jon, well, his shirt rocked tonight. and i just miss him being around the house in general.
i would like to be in italy right now. that would be fun. i cannot wait for italy.
so my brother moves in tomorrow. how nuts is that?
my ankle hurts severely!
oh my!